3 Months

 

She is now actually 6 months old and is doing AMAZING! (these are her 3 month old photos)

Great News

Sorry it has been so long with no word on our little miracle's status. With my recovery and the preparations of the house for her home coming, and three active little kids at home, things have been very very busy! One thing after another keeps me from having any down time. Every mother knows precisely what i'm talking about. Even when you don't bring your new baby home from the hospital with you right away, things are still similar to that experience, if not more tiring and busy because of all the travel.

I'm having a blast away from home this time around! I think it is because I do so much more with this sweet tiny baby of mine. I get to do all the regular things like take her temperature, chance her pulse ox, and change that diaper but I also get to be in charge of her now.... I pick her up and feed her when I think she is ready. I burp her. I play with her. I talk with her, sing to her, rock her, and so much more! I finally feel so involved. It was so hard before, like I adopted my baby out and the nurses took my place and it felt as if they didn't want me around. Now i'm wanted and appreciated and praised.

Not only am I fully recovered but my home preparations are so close to being ready! I know things can't be perfect. My husband keeps reminding me of this. However, things can be close, right? Her car seat has arrived, and my room is ready for her. I have a Moby wrap and my milk supply would feed a third world country for a month...,lol, well maybe not but I have a lot of milk. I  wake up in the morning and pump and get 10 ounces. She drinks not even two ounces per feeding. Through out the day, the amount goes down to a min of five ounces per pumping. I guess I will have to donate some milk to the milk bank.

Now for the greatest news.... She is 64 days now and can come home when she wants to. It's all on her now. The only thing to accomplish is for her to eat all of her feedings (8 total) by breast or bottle. She is so close! She is eating four to six so far! Way to go little gal! I love you!

Here she is with mommy and here is her 60 day birthday cake!

Wish us luck, could be at the end of this week or mid next week!

Holding Electa

Elect Ruth is now 2.8lbs. Just 1 ounce over her birth weight. Her artery cord was removed making it officially possible for mommy to hold her for the first time.

They put a pick line in her arm so that that can draw blood often without poking her over and over. (it is similar to an IV that you get in your arm but it runs up her vein since she is so tiny.) Right here she has high flow in! Which is really awesome for her to be on it for 6 hours at a time. After I held her it was time for c-pap to be put back on. (gigantic head gear if you ask me!!!)

It took two nurses to get her to me, making sure all the cords and wires and tubes were all coming with her and in order. She felt so tiny on my chest but still so wonderful!

 I stopped bleeding the third day after my c-section and thought it was not right but the doctor said it was okay. The second she was placed on me I had a large gush of blood soak through my pants. I soaked through three pads after that in just four hours. I also almost fainted from so much blood loss. Either that or it was cafeteria food poisoning. The nurse had me lay myself in a recliner and she put a wet rag on my forehead and brought me ice water. She told me I had lost all color and was worried about me. After a rough and tough nights sleep I got over the light headedness and the nausea. I hate leaving my busy and wonderful home life filled with a husband and three needy children for this lame hospital where I always seem to get no sleep and a lot of loneliness. But holding her makes most of it worth it. I can't wait to hold her  more!!

C-Section

    Having a C-Section is not a great experience to have. I have had three natural births with some hard after-birth pain, which got worse after each baby. This tops all of that. Think about it. My first I had 18 hours of hard labor. My second was only 2 and 1/2 hours of labor. My third was 10 hours of labor (three of it very hard)! And all three after births I wanted pain killers even though I am not a pain killer person! The C-Section part was so scary, partly because I wasn't prepared for it and partly because I could feel all the pressure and tugging and the baby freaking out. (she literally squirmed rapidly into my ribs the second they took that blade to my abdomen! She was freaked out, her environment was being attacked!)

     It was terrifying yet not bad because there was no pain at all, until the spinal and drugs started wearing off! Then it was HECK! I had several panic attacks due to feeling like my lungs were constricting! It was kind of traumatizing. Recovery from major surgery isn't as easy as afterbirth, not for me. It could also be that I have been on bed rest for so long as well.

Below: Waiting for the C-Section

Below: Me, terrified to death but acting thrilled!

Below: MOM, DAD, and our MIRACLE

Electa Ruth

     Now I am home trying to reclaim the role of MOTHERHOOD that was ripped from me. The role of being a great wife and a homemaker. I miss my responsibilities and am glad to get them back, even if it is slow and taking one day at a time.

She Is Here! 28w+2d

March 30 2012, I had a gigantic panic attack. I went to bed with my instincts screaming at me. I cried and cried and cried myself to sleep because I felt that I was not ready for loss or for a new baby. It was too soon, she was not far enough along. I felt I couldn't breathe with the idea she could be here by Monday. It was a very horrible and frightening experience. I'm not sure why my instincts were going hay wire!
The next morning, March 31, 2012 I woke up with a pulling sensation. I felt like something was being ripped from my right lower side. it hurt enough that I could not lay on that side or sleep. Later on the pain fizzled to an all around tenderness. I thought it was ligament pain but got worried when it just got worse. So I decided to make a casual visit to the hospital in pueblo to check things out. I thought I would be in and out in a couple of hours. My very good friends Sybil and Ashlyn drove me instead of my hubby because of all the children, they were so kind and loving.
When I got there, the typical routine was placed, papers to sign, monitors to get hooked up on, and questions to be answered. The on call doctor brought in an ultra sound machine and baby looked great... fluid level not so much. The on call doctor was convinced I had pre signs of infection and labor (which I dismissed) and started to get me ready to transfer to Springs. He said I was having regular contractions which I don't feel at all! I got an IV, a steroid shot, and a catheter. They also took samples of my blood to check my white blood cell count and checked my cervix. I had a low grade fever that went away quick.
The flight for life people showed up. They slowly loaded me onto a cot, down the private wings of the hospital, and to the helicopter pad. I had my first ride in a chopper. The flight was about 25 or so minutes. John drove to catch up with me (an hour drive) and got there just 10 to 15 minutes after me!
When I arrived at the hospital they took me to labor and delivery which I thought was ridiculous! I got examined and was closed but 80% effaced. Baby was still doing awesome and had the hiccups. All the day before she was frantic in her movements and had a severe case of the hiccups.... I was starting to worry about her moving like she was panicking! Dr. Lurch was so kind. She told me I had high count of white blood cells, was very tender all over, and all signs pointed to infection. She wanted baby out before she got infected. I finally agreed and was told I would have a c section in 30 minutes (which felt like ten)!
Everything went so fast, I was crying! I was so scared! I was a mess! I got a spinal and got prepped. I was awake but could only feel preassure. I felt the jerking of the blade ripping across my belly and later on the baby being pulled from me. No sound! Just "she is out!" And "you are doing great". I started crying I was so panicked! John said he heard her a little. Then I finally heard a whimper! They brought her to me so I could get a peek before they took her off and John went with her as they stitched and stapled me up. I had to sit in recovery for two hours, no visitors!
And that is part one of this crazy journey of my sweet little Electa's birth!

A Little Lost

I have spent the past few days in my grandmothers care. My husband left for Idaho to see his youngest sister married. I heard it was a beautiful wedding and very enjoyable. I wish I could have taken part of it. But I am glad he at least got to go.

The first day of this adventure was heck! I had been so busy... I went to Walmart to pick up photos (in wheel chair of course), then to my high risk appointment (which was not what I expected it to be), then to eat (which lifted my spirits), then home to pack. My girls and husband got home and I was so happy to see my girls. Then my good friend showed up and brought me some really amazing burritos and I didn't have much of a chance to chat because things were so hectic! I packed the girls bags and everything was loaded into my grandmothers car. So my hubby and his parents and my boy all left for Idaho and the girls and I went to my grandmothers. When we got there we had to unload the vehicle and it was so hard! We had an 83 year old woman, a five year old, a three year old, and me. I felt so over whelmed and carried things and leaked a bunch and things fell apart! I missed my hubby and felt lonely and horrible! And to top it off, I got a call telling me I failed my glucose test and needed to come in immediately to take a round two! I couldn't stop crying for the life of me! My husband almost turned around to come back to be with me even though he was almost in Utah. I told him no and that I would make it.

I couldn't eat after midnight and early the next morning we left to go to the hospital to take round two. Four needles and tubes of blood and one nasty orange sweet drink later... I finished at noon. It was torture! And still haven't found out if I passed or not! That was a hard recovery!

The next day things got better but I had no sleep and I ended up falling down the stairs (I shouldn't have been up but I was so hungry and everyone was asleep! I regret getting up. I was worried sick over baby but never called because I didn't want to make another trip to the hospital! I have been sleepless but taken care of since. I am so grateful for all the care my grandmother has given me and my girls.

I can't wait to get back home with my family! It will be so complete. John has spring break this week and it will be fun to have him all day long every day till I leave. Thursday I must be prepared to be admitted to the hospital till I give birth. The doctor said that the next time i'm admitted i'm staying there for the rest of the pregnancy! I'm very nervous. Time feels nigh.... Like time is running out. I keep wondering if she will make it or not.

Is It so Bad?

Is it so bad that I buy my girls dresses so often? They won't be little forever and there is going to be a day that they won't wear them or even want me to buy them any longer! Why not indulge in their fantasy of being princesses!?

Is it so bad that I hang my clothes facing in the same direction all on matching hangers!? It makes a beautiful closet in my mind! The fact that I fold my clothes a certain way... is that such a crime?

Is it so bad I like to raise my children a certain way, allowing them to do certain things and not do other certain things? That I discipline each of them using different methods that works for each different child such as time outs, lectures, and spankings?

I have heard so many times that I am a perfectionist or OCD or  just plain out making things more difficult for myself.

But this is how I cope with life! I buy clothes and things because I get a kick off having something new! Not very often do I do this but I still do it! I hang the clothes a certain way and fold them a certain way because order calms me and soothes me and I can function much more peacefully with inner beauty (that means a pretty closet). If I don't SPANK my boy, he doesn't get it. If I don't put my girls in time out, they don't get it. My boy thinks time out is a game. My girls think spankings are horrible (and honestly they never know why they get them). Before they get out of time out we discuss the reason of their time out and boy is that every punishment for one of the girls!!! I receive peace in knowing they are less likely to offend if a proper punishment is inflicted! SO LET ME BE!!! I think that on normal circumstances I am a great mom that does things differently than some but it is my way whether it be perfectionist, OCD, or just loonie!

Preparations

Reality is starting to set in again. I'm 26 and 2 days along now. I had thought we lost baby at 11 Weeks 1 day because of bleeding and contracting. I was heartbroken, but it was just a partial placenta abruption. Then at 15 Weeks 1 day my water unexpectedly broke. We went in and heard the most horrible thing a mother could hear at this point in the pregnancy. "no matter what you do, this will be a miscarriage" and "since the baby won't make it, you might as well educe labor within a couple days so you don't get infection that can cause you to leave your other three babies with out a mother".

11 Weeks 1 day later: no infection, fluid levels have finally risen, i'm sill pregnant, and baby looks to be doing perfect. Isn't everyone glad I didn't listen to the doctors week after week about inducing baby. She had a higher chance they could have ever realized!! I hate that they so freely wanted me to kill her without even giving her a chance! I would have never done it though. Not unless I was for sure dying.... And even then it would have been very difficult to decide whether to just go a head and die or live with that decision.

Things have gotten different lately. Signs that time is nigh? Contractions are increasing, I feel odd, Leaking is increasing and doctors are starting to worry about me.

I realize that even still things can turn for the worst and to be honest, i'm not ready to have this baby. I'm not ready to deal with a preemie or a death. Not yet anyway!!! I'm too scared. This is going to happen whether I like it or not.

Giving Up?

The perfect place to explode or unwind when one feels they have no one to really hear them out.

Lately I have forgotten what a dilemma I am in. I have stopped drinking my water, I have gotten up to get myself snacks, to go into rooms of the house that are forbidden to me (because I tend to fix them up) , I have stopped taking my extra vitamin C (with a million other vitamins I took), and I have even slipped a couple times with my prenatal vitamin. In fact, It is almost like I have given up. It is a miracle that I have been sitting down so much still. (sitting instead of laying!!?) 

It all started with my 23 weeks visit to the doctor! My fluid had gone from immeasurable to 8cm in just a weeks time!!! I was still very careful because I knew it wouldn't last. how could it? Then at 24 weeks, they didn't admit me to stay because my fluid went up to 9.1cm. I couldn't believe it was still going up! So I started slacking off.... one thing at a time. My next appointment registered that my fluid went back down to 7cm. I didn't feel I was leaking that much during the week and was surprised!! It is a wonder that this didn't throw me back into routine! So tomorrow I go back in to get my fluid checked. If it has gone below 5, I'm in trouble or baby is. If It has gone up or stayed the same, I'm doing great still.

I feel horrible inside and out. Just icky! Like the day my water broke. I am tired, sore, crampy, have a head ache, and I can barely walk to the bathroom. It is probably my body begging me to go back to my routine of taking care of it.. I have to do it for baby. She can still die!!! I have to realize that just because I have made it 11 weeks when the doctors said I wouldn't, doesn't make me in vincible 

Fat, Fat, Fat!!!

I have always been a thin girl. Maybe too thin most of my life. It is how i'm built. I have acne, spots, frizzy hair, pale skin, scars, short and brittle nails, very poor teeth, and my family pokes fun of me for my nose!!!

But I have learned to deal with all those imperfections because of the few wonderful traits I do have. One of them the ability to stay thin with out trying. And now that has been taken from me as well.

In all three of my pregnancies I gained so little. 12.5 lbs with my first. 27 with my second. 24 with my third. And those pregnancies went to full term! This pregnancy I started at 121 (which is really thin for my height of 5'7"). And now at only 25 Weeks pregnant I am 148. (that is 27lbs)

I don't mean for those that weigh more than that to feel bad because of this: being thin made it okay that I had acne, bad teeth, and the rest of it... At least I had one bonus to my looks, and now I feel as if I am going to double that weight by the time this is over and I will never get it off ever again. I feel so ugly. Fat, pimply, scarred, rashes everywhere, hairy, bad teeth, and a nose that doesn't fit my face. nothing left to feel pretty about. I never knew it meant so much to me until now. I can't stop crying!

Vent over.

Going Home!

Yes that is what you read..... I am going HOME!!!

Dr Muinch came back at noon. He told me that he would like to preform an amniocentesis on me and to put some dye in my uterus! He was worried about the green discharge and wanted to see where it came from. He also wanted to see if I am still leaking because in the ultra sound my fluid is up to 9.1 (YAY) and he said that 9.5 is a low normal. (SO CLOSE!) He seems to think I am very lucky and could have resealed! I never thought I would hear those words. (RESEALED?) I told him that I did not want to do the procedure because the risk of me re-breaking if I had resealed would be against my nature.

He accepted and gave me a long speech about what he thinks I should do and what he would like to happen. He thinks that since I have good fluid that I go home and be closely monitored as I have been. Once a week trips to springs and once a week trips to my Pueblo doctor. He said I could stay in the hospital if I wanted to but he doesn't recommend it because I am doing so well and so is baby. So I told him I would go home and asked him a zillion and one questions because I was paranoid about being put into an emergency situation! He was gracious enough to answer all my questions.

I might still be leaking (i know i am, yesterday i had a small gush) but it looks like I AM healing. He wants me to continue my routine and take it very easy... no getting over confident just yet... but if I am lucky I could go to full term and have a happy, healthy, normal baby. He wants me to make it to 28 weeks and if I have not gained more fluid by then he will stick me in the hospital. Or he will stick me in right away if my fluid reduces to below 5cm.

I can't tell you how elated I am to be healing and to be going back home! It is so much comfier there with my husband and my boy! Even if I still should stay flat and only have bathroom privileges. Pictures to come!

23 Weeks 5days

I was admitted to the hospital a little earlier than expected.... One night earlier actually! I had this green discharge and felt nasty last night so I called the on call doctor and asked him if the discharge was normal. He was very concerned about it and said I need to be checked asap. I decided to go straight to St. Francis instead of the hospital close by so I didn't need to be transferred by ambulance the next day. It was the BUMPIEST trip the whole hour and fifteen minutes there! I lay in the back of my mother's luxury van and one time I bounced a foot into the air. lol. I thought, "well if I wasn't in labor before I will be now!"

The doctor had called ahead so that the hospital would be expecting us, but when we got there... they had no clue who I was, where I came from,  or what I was going through!! It was awful!!! They checked my "area". WHICH I WAS SOOOO ANGRY ABOUT, because that increases the risk of infection and my doctors have been trying to stay away from that!! I tried to tell them NO but they were worried about the green discharge and infection. The worst part was the doctor that came in. I would compare him to MR. BEAN!!!! He looked like he was clueless about pregnancy or about anything! I had to tell him my story from the beginning and cover EVERYTHING the doctors have told me!! He says "well, uh" and makes a BEAN face. I was not in the mood for comedy and felt like I had to take the reins. I just told them I would still like to meet with Dr. Muinch and be admitted since it was going to happen tomorrow anyway.

I finally got my room and was set up. I changed into some comfy clothing of my own and explored my room. VERY NICE! It is very big! and has a pull out couch bed for the hubby when he stays the night. The night nurse kept me up half the night listening to baby and getting my vitals and getting me up to potty! I was exhausted by morning. I slept maybe four hours. In the morning I met Dr. Muinch for the first time. Professional, stern, to the point, does what he thinks is best, and gives OPTIONS! I felt intimidated and walked on. I am soooo tired of hearing how my baby will be a cripple and have problems if... IF... she survives. I DON"T CARE! I am going to do everything I think is best to give her the best chance she can get!!!!!!

Don't worry it gets better....

The ultra sound tech came later and scanned me and baby for an hour or more! I am VERY interested in seeing my baby so I didn't mind one bit!! I had so much fun! Except the parts where I kept falling asleep! How embarrassing! hope she didn't notice! I saw everything about my little girl! Her lungs moving, her beautiful heart, her sweet face, and how her feet and hands were touching her face. In fact, it was clear she was chewing on something.... or maybe is was sucking on something. At first the tech couldn't figure out if it was her toes or her fingers!!! We finally got a great picture, which I will post later, of her sucking her THUMB! And get this,,, she scored an 8 out of 8 on body movement and 40% in the growth percentile! 1lbs 4oz!!

Just waiting for the doctor to come back and tell me what he thinks of it all!

Check out that BUM!

Now that's hot! Check out that cloth on that bum! I'm so excited to get a chance to try them! He is so cute!!

Pictures 23 Weeks

Can you see baby yawn? Her mouth is open in both pictures.... She is so sweet!

Getting Things Heated!

Did you know there is no proof that bed rest works. No medical entries actually state that bed rest will help you stop preterm labor or keep baby in after your water breaks. I have done too much research on the matter. Many argue that the risks to bed rest out weigh the benefits. In that I can understand!

My family has been separated, split up and disbanded! My children go through so much stress! Husband struggles in school now, I accomplish nothing and watch as the world passes me by. I could get blood clots, I could get infection, I could even get muscle dystrophy, Or have heart problems after this, and depression is a big side affect!

The only thing I have come across that states success in such an adventure is thousands of mothers with success stories. would you like to know the first thing I asked my doctor when this all happened? "Can I drink a lot of water to help?"his reply? "water won't help a thing, no matter what you do, this is going to be a miscarriage. I suggest we induce right away!"

WRONG! I'm sorry to step on your totally smart brain doc but I've done my research and you haven't! Water does more than you can imagine! It keeps the body flushed out, it wards off infection, and it does help in getting amniotic fluid to increase! Don't get me started on the power of gatorade! You would be an idiot to over look my success story! Would I have gotten this far without a gallon of water and gatorade to drink everyday? I highly doubt it! (they even "say" that electrolytes actually rebuild your sack! all here say.... But you get the idea.)

My point is.... Wow, the first thing you can suggest is termination? I know things look grim but i'm a fighter, and I don't give up easily and this baby is a fighter too! Any mother in her right mind and thinking for herself would gladly put herself on the line for her child! The only thing I haven't tried is the suggested method of an amnio infusion! Which i'm glad I haven't done it but if push came to shove..... I would if I felt I had no other choice!

I'm 23 Weeks now! I never thought I would be able to say those numbers this time around. What ever I have been doing is working! Infection free, blood clot free, depression free (for now), and baby had up to 8cm of fluid last checked!! Miracle? I think so! Anytime is better than no time.

I would be stupid not to recognize Gods hand in all this! Every choice I have made had been led by the spirit!! A great number of prayers have been offered up for baby, for me, and even John! We are in his hands completely and entirely!! I can not express how grateful I am to have had this bond with my daughter, to have gone through this trial (please never send me through this again!), and to have learned what I have learned.

Every mother out there... Follow YOUR instincts! Don't ever give up because someone says you have no chance! There is always hope!

What? How Much?

My last appointment with my regular obgyn was today. This week has been horrible!

1) nightmares galore. They won't stop! I wake up crying, screaming, in shock, and confused! (these dreams include dying babies, Scandalous wooing of made up hunks, being forgotten as the world lives on and passes me by, my husband leaving me for beautiful made up women, and being pregnant with baby dying.....) Is that last one reality or a dream?

2) Emotions are out of control! I cry at the stupidest things, I cry in the middle of the night, and I cry just to cry! I can't help it, it just happens!

3) my husband is having troubles with school and I can't really help! He wants to pass his classes and is studying for all his tests but his grades seem to keep slipping... They are at (B's) now....it's frustrating!!

4) I have spent most of the time drinking fluid and taking care of myself day in and day out going "overboard" in trying to keep out infection and keep in the water. What has it gotten me so far?

I will tell you now that you have gone deeply into my mind and life, I should let you know what happened today at my appointment to finish off my "wonderful" week.

A) Baby was ALIVE!
B) there was over an AFI of 8!!!! (WHAT, HOW MUCH? No way recheck!) (she was almost floating again)
C) she is still a girl
D) that water pocket of fluid by her heart has gone down!
E) she was being so cute with the camera: yawing, balling her fists by her face, pressing her toes into my cervix (felt so weird), and I could count her fingers and toes!

We got pictures of most of these things, which I will be posting later. But how exciting that I have gotten these results! I am so happy with relief and shock and gratitude! I love her and my hubby and my children! I love today's appointment! I love you all for not forgetting me totally. What a great way to start my last week of freedom! Next week, hospital here I come!!! (now if I can just get those dreams of wooing hunks to increase to more than the baby dreams, I will be one happy woman!..... Yes John laughs at me!!)

Cloth on that BUM!

I am starting to Cloth diaper my babies. I tried it a while back with what they call flats and it was okay but I couldn't leave the house because he would Pee once and I had to change him or nap time, same issue... And bed time! It worked great with #2 though and washing them was not a big deal at all! Really easy!!

So the other day I did a lot of research on cloth diapering and figured out what I would like to try! Pockets with bamboo inserts and flats for inserts! If they work I will buy more! They are so friggin CUTE! I would like to try all in ones but they are pricey! I just wish I would have tried this way earlier! I would have saved $5,000 total is the past five years with my number of children! This included disposable diapers, disposable wipes, and bum cream for three children with two diapering at one time it is probably more, but i'm not going to dig up receipts!

So if I buy enough diapers to fit Cannon, Breyla at night, and baby on the way for three days no laundry it will be $250.... Then I need to buy some clothes specifically for diaper changes, enough to last three days also and it will be $10 and you can't use any zinc cream with these cloth diapers (which have always made my kids break out anyways) they suggest corn starch baby powder or coconut oil!!! Very cheap and lasts forever, not to mention toxic free!!! Then you add two loads of laundry a week which means nothing to our pile that never runs out! Plus... I never have to buy again! unless I find something too cute that I want to see on my babies bottom! They have everything!

Cloth diapering can be as easy as disposables and quick! They have some many cute diapers that look like disposables but have the cutest designs and colors! I am going to try to go neutral so they can be used by my girls and my boy... But I will have to get a couple cute pinks and purples for pure pleasure's sake!!

Cloth diapers has its downs, like trial and error and scrapping poop into the toilet but I have heard that you don't get those explosions that I always seem to be cleaning up with my kids with disposables. Its great for my wallet, the environment, and babies bum!

Life

Life goes on. My husband was hit pretty darn hard my a big truck on Valentines day. After seeing the damage to the drivers side door, I don't now how he is alive. He had to have had a few guardian angels there to protect him. I love him so much! I'm so grateful he only suffers from a few broken ribs and nothing life threatening. (the finance part of the situation might not be so lucky though).

We had such a romantic evening planned... Homemade Italian dinner, fondue for two, candles, movie, game, snuggling! (we can't go further than that if you know what I mean!) But we were going to make the most of it.

Our day didn't turn out to be so Romanic at all. Yet, we felt close and in love. Trials tend to bring us closer. And I was just thankful to have him on Valentines day! I really hope we can pull through this. Bed rest is hard on him as it was! Now taking care of me and the kids with broken ribs is going to be painful and tough. But what other choice do we have?

We have no choice but to rely completely on our Father in Heaven for both financial help and physical help. We can't do it anymore by ourselves. At least I know that we have such amazing family and an amazing ward to assist us in this rough time.

2 weeks 1 day

I went to my specialist in Springs today. It was a very thorough appointment. Made me feel better, kind of relieved. She weighs 15 oz now and it growing great. She has powerful kidneys and her heart is beautiful. 

On that note…. They did find a small water pocket next to her heart. This scared them and terrifies me! Doc said it could be that the baby is sick or it could be that the baby has a heart defect. They can’t be certain because it just showed up and it is boarder line. They will just have to keep an eye on it.

I am so scarred! I have two weeks one day till my next specialist appointment. From that appointment, they will admit me to St Francis Medical Center. I was so excited to hit my goal of 24 weeks. Now I am just terrified that it is so close. This is my last two weeks out of the hospital, if she makes it that far.  I get my girls back in one week. One week of us altogether before I go into solitude.

The ultrasound tech admitted that this girl of ours is one heck of a fighter and is doing as BEST as she can in this situation. She was amazed and so was the doctor. I believe in her. Come on baby girl, you can do it! I can do it! We can make it!! We have to make it!!!!

Doctor Appointment

I'm sorry to say that there was no good news at my appointment. There was some depressing news but no bad news either. The depressing news is that I have indeed leaked out all my water. Well most of it. The umbilical cord was in some fluid but all my other pockets fizzled out. Just a small haze of it left.

Dang you sneezing! This cold has caused me some troubles but I have had a few gushes here and there during my sleep. I'm so  sad. To pick me up, John took me out to a restaurant that was on the way home, BINGO BURGER. BEST NATURAL BURGER JOINT IN TOWN. My back hurt a lot by the end of the meal but no leaking.

The meal was great but I still feel down, i'm still sick and I am hoping to really get things back on task. (self pity! "hey everyone gets a bit of this every once in a while") right now...  I Have to much of it!! :-(

Braids Part Two

Well, they aren't done yet. I have the back still to do. What do you think? Do I look like Medusa? Or is it okay?

Braides

I Have decided I HATE MY HAIR LONG, while on bedrest! Now matter how much I comb it, I get dread locks!! My hair is corse, thick, and curly. This causes dread locks easily when laying down all day. Since I am so tired of fighting with it, I have decided to braid it! Not a regular braid, I try that a failed epicly. My hair ended up getting dread locked inside the braid!! Mini braids. I will do my head in tiny little braids. I have already started and it doesn't look bad! Although my hands hurt just after ten of them! My hair is THICK! did I already mention that? There will be a thousand of these braids! This is going to take forever! Good thing I have plenty of time to spare! I promise to post a picture when I am close to done. What do you think? Abort the mission or go full force!?

SOAP BOX

I have to get a few things off my chest.

#1. Bed rest is NOT a vacation.. It seems more like a waste of life! It had its perks the first few days but I just want so badly to get out there again! To live and be free to do whatever it is I want to do (which would most likely be shopping of cleaning my home!)

#2 Telling someone gently that they have a booger on there face where no one else can pick up on it is loving, correcting, and caring. Shouting to the world that the person has a booger on their face does not show any love whatsoever!!! It is pure BULLEYING! I hate bullies! Mainly because I have been bullied all my life and don't have super powers to put them in their place!

#3. I NEED my children! John and I have not had a break from our children since the moment we were married. I have always been pregnant or nursing or both! Sometimes I just wanted a week off! But I'm so done! My daughter turns three on Wednesday, and am I there for her? NO! She is far far away from mommy! I see them on skype and my heart starts tearing in all different directions. My boy just left for the next three days and I am already feeling out of place. My children NEED stability, they need their mother! I feed them a certain way, dress them a certain way, bathe them a certain way, they have routines! They know what they should and shouldn't eat but will stop all of that when I am not there to guide them. B's face is even getting chubbier and she is supposed to be getting out of that baby phase!

#4. My husband does NOT do things the way I do! I love him to pieces and couldn't survive with out him but he hates having to ask me how to do something, he would just rather guess and figure it out. The problem is, I am an OCD freak! I have a system. If he asks and I start telling him how I do it, he says I am treating him like a child. But he is a child when it comes to my system!

#5. I will be the first to admit my many many faults! But I do appreciate people gently and lovingly help me see things that I can not see that I am at fault on. I will gladly add it to my list of priority changes. Some things need corrected before others but it will get done, If I don't like it about me.

All in all, my burden feels lighter, I like getting on that soap box every once in a while! I have so much more to add but will save it for a later date!

Sick

Yesterday I got sick. With much help from my friend, Crystal, I was finally able keep liquid down. The baby needs me to drink liquid! As much as possible every day! I try for more than a gallon. Yesterday I was shy of a gallon by about 23 oz.

Today I felt great until 6 o'clock. Then the nausea came on! I feel so sick again. So is it a bug, virus, or a pregnancy thing? Maybe food poisoning? I wish it would go away!

At least I have such good friends! I would torn and tattered without my family and friends!!

Baby Jayden

This is Baby Jayden, born at 30 weeks. They had to preform an emergancy c-section because his heart rate was dropping so much in the whomb. He came out perfect! He was breathing on his own and doing so well. Then a pocket of hair burst in his lunges and crushed his little heart. His mommy got to hold him for 20 minutes before he past on.

Out of all the beautiful success stories and pictures I have access to, this one grabbed my heart and I couldn't help but write about it. It breaks me into tears, to pain, to hope! I really want Christine to know she will be in my prayers today. I don't know how I will be if  I have to be placed in her situation, but I know I would need support and love!

Insight

My DH (dear husband) was thinking, a few weeks back, about if the baby made it what he would say in a blessing. Of course, he wouldn't tell me what he thought but he did tell me that every thought rounded to the baby being a girl. WHAT? He told me from the beginning that he thought for sure the baby was a boy and he has been right on all of them! Then yesterday happened... and he was right the second time not the first... a little girl!

It is amazing the impression he felt from the spirit. I still can't rap my head around it! Another little girl! I wonder if this is the girl I have dreamt about in the past.

For some reason or another, the baby seems more fragile now, more delicate, in greater need. Is it the thought that it is a girl and not a boy? Or is it just knowing the gender? I'm almost regretting knowing because I am so much more scared of the out come.

I have faith though. My goal is April. I will have peace if I can make it to April!

20 WEEKS

I had my weekly appointment with doctor today! AND the ultra sound tech of course!

Want to know how it went? GREAT! The ultra sound tech measured a fluid pocket of 2.33 and another of .69 which is a total AFI well over 3.0! Baby was moving a little bit but not much. The kidney’s were full of fluid and so was the bladder, which means they are working properly and making more fluid. Now, I know that an AFI of 3 isn’t great but it is so much more amazing than what we have been getting. AND yesterday I had a small gush (that made me very sad). My belly went from ROUND to THAT BELOW in a instance. I was so depressed but am happy to hear I hadn’t lost it all!!!!

ALSO…. Can you believe it? We got a nice shot of the crotch! Now don’t get too excited the results are shocking, and not 100% positive!  Are you ready for it?

What do you think? Girl or Boy?

(just disregard the words on the picture) (wink)

 20 WEEKS! I MADE IT!!! Next goal 24 WEEKS... here I come!

Breaks My Heart

I want to sob! My husband and I just watched Quigley Down Under. GREAT MOVIE, until she tells the story of how she smothered her baby when the Indians attacked. AHHHHH! My heart nearly broke as tears streamed rapidly down my checks. I couldn't hear it! A sweet innocent baby dying like that! Then the DINGO's came!!! SHE WAS DOING IT AGAIN!! My heart broke into a million pieces! I was sobbing so hard that John thought I was having a heart attack. She did realize what she was doing and let the baby cry but the those stupid dogs kept coming! I was uncontrollable! Tears drenched my shirt and John's shirt and my face was stained and my voice was gone. I lost it big time.

Now I will admit that my biggest and deepest disgusts are helpless infants being harmed. It always kills me. The worst thing, is a helpless baby being treated in such manners! Am I the only woman that really gets urked by this? Am I overly senstitive to these things? I always have been like this. Nothing can ever change it! OH THE BABIES!

For the first time, I think I have realized what I am going to be faced with, in a few months. AND I don't think there is anyway possible for me to come out of losing such an innocent life! Especially if it is my fault, somehow! I have to do everything I can to get my baby here safe!  Why this? I can't do this!

How things are going

Last night I was kept up all night due to this pain in my right side. It hurt to turn or twist or even lay down. I thought for sure that maybe my placenta was abrupting the rest of the way. Don't you love it when it is sooo easy to think the worst in such a simple situation. No blood or contractions though so I am sure baby is safe.

I drank 60 oz of water just between midnight and 6am. I couldn't believe how thirsty I was! That is after I had drank well over a gallon of water through out the day!! I also went to the bathroom every thirty minuets... also keeping me awake!

I guess one bonus of bed rest is being able to sleep whenever you can, anytime you can! I wish I would just stop visualizing all my fears during sleeping hours. I have my weekly appointment this Tuesday. The doctor is going to actually try to do some research... look for GENDER! look for my AFI (amniotic fluid index) and weigh baby... things that are progressive!

No One Can Be Luckier Than....

It is said that some naturally have the LUCK TRAIT. They always win the best things in every drawing. Or close to it. They hit mostly green lights wherever they drive. They always seem to be in the right place at the right time.... etc....

Let us just say that is NOT one of the traits our dear Heavenly Father gave me. In fact I am almost quite the opposite. I have had episode after episode of what most would call just plain bad luck! Hitting every stop light, especially when I am late somewhere. Always leaving something very important back home just when I need it the most. And when have I ever had my name even drawn to win anything?

What is IRONIC, is that the very man I married was deffinately given that LUCKY streak. He has always won the best stuff in every drawing he has ever been entered in. All those games based on luck.... he wins the majority of the time.... the list can go on and on and on.

The VERY BEST part of the whole situation is how often our two traits help eachother out! For instance... We get a flier in the mail saying... YOU WON A NEW CAR! lol well let's just have that date night and go test that car even if we know it is a hoax... right?  (this is about a couple years back). He was the one who opened the letter and I took the key attached to the letter. When we got there John had one a very expensive  IPOD but not the car. I was impressed that we wone something at all. The fact is.... if I weren't in the picture he would have one the car! lol.... but since he was in the picture we still one something where many did not! (we never picked up that Ipod by the way...)

I love that movie... can't remember for the life of me what is was called.... where at every kiss exchanged between the very unlucky woman and the very lucky man.... the luck lands on the new person. At the end of the movie they kiss so much that you don't know who has the luck anymore or who has the bad luck. It just reminds me soooo much of John and I!! Except he never really passed the luck over with a kiss. I have to be with him to reach the benifits. Even if being with me deminishes his chances of even bettering his luck. lol

BUT.... I have to say... I have worked sooooo hard with people, to love them, to help them, to understand them, to never leave anyone out, to WOO them. lol That in this time where my family is gowing through a trial I NEVER believed we would ever go through,,,, there they are, almost every last one of them and more, at my side helping my family along the way. My hard work of surrounding my family around the very best of people has indeed payed off and big time. I have never felt sooooo much love and suporrt in all my life. And I have always been lucky enough to have sooo many care for me.

Thank you EVERYONE for EVERYTHING you have done for us. No One Can be LUCKIER than I! That being said... just being married to JOHN is the best luck a girl can have too! He has got to be the most besotted fellow, the most adoring husband on earth. If this is what stars feel like with their fans than John is my biggest fan. He makes me fly and I like it! I like ALL of it!

Meet Baby!

Rude Awakening

This morning was the most peaceful morning I have had in so long. I woke up early as usual though. I got to spend the entire morning with my husband. It was so peaceful for the first time in five years. We got to cuddle and enjoy the silence. He packed me a basket of bedside items, food, water, computer, and phone. He even made me the most wonderful breakfast of potatoes and eggs with cheese! We prayed and read scriptures together.

Then before he headed off to school I realized that those normal sounds of morning, tiny little feet padding to my bedroom to crawl in bed with me, cries of MAMA and Dad, squeals of delight, and screaming from the girls fighting weren’t going to come at ALL this morning. That ALL my little ones were gone! Somewhere else! My three babies won’t be coming home anytime soon and that today I was going to be all alone.

It was a very depressing and heart wrenching feeling. I even had the temptation to clean my entire house! Because who knows when I will have the chance to do so again! Don’t worry, I restrained myself! Instead, I am coming up with a schedule to accomplish things throughout my day while lying down.

READ, PRAY, write in my JOURNAL, write in my DIARY, write on my BLOG, analyze MY “P” BLESSING, NAP, and PLAY A THE SIMS 3….. That should be good till John gets home….

Nightmares

     Last night I had nightmares! One still really sticks out. There was this woman and I that went shopping. She was pregnant with twins. As soon as we entered the store she went into labor. I knew how to operate in this situation but would not be able to do it all by myself so I shouted for two people that were standing by to call an ambulance and the other to get towels and blankets.
     They just stood there so I ignored them and just assumed they were doing what I asked since this lady was obviously in labor. I delivered the first baby and handed her over to the lady that was supposed to have the towels and blankets but she didn't. I had to deliver the next baby which came right out. They were soooo small. I cleaned off and gave that baby to mommy to deliver the placenta and then realized that something was wrong with the first baby.

     The water sack was still around the baby! I got sooooo panicked and didn't know what to do. So I tore the sack. The baby wasn't ready to come. It was soooo small and fragile. I just sat there with the baby in my arms not knowing what to do. The ambulance never came, the blankets never came. The baby was dying and i didn't know what to do. let alone be qualified for any of this.

     I wanted to cry that no one cared for this woman and her babies. That no one would try to save her or her babies. I woke up shaking. So scared about my baby coming before he is 24 weeks and no one caring because he isn't viable yet.. Just doing nothing to help him. I wish I was surrounded by midwives and Aunts and plenty of experienced women! They all seem so far away.

I know that I might have to go through this soon but I don't think I'm ready yet.

What an Appointment!

Picking out names has been fun and upbeat. But you will never believe what just happened at my "I NEED to see the doctor appointment this morning"

Heart beat was great...... but there was a small WATER SACK near babies head!!!!!! I know it wasn't very big at all and it doesn't even make the baby more viable. BUT it was there and it has NEVER been there before.

I think that bedrest and a gallon of water a day is really going to help! I only just started three days ago and look what has happened in just three days! Oh I hope, hope, hope we can build up some more by my next appointment on Wednesday!! Cross your fingers, give prayers, and don't lose faith!

A Bit Up Beat

I figured since the last few posts have been swamped with concern and worry that this post should be a smidge hopeful.

No matter what happens, It looks like we are at the point that the baby will need a name! Especially if born alive! Since our instincts tell us boy we went ahead and really thought hard about how we should pick a name for the baby. But just in case we are wrong, we thought it would be very good to be prepared with a few girl names too. I like ALL the names we picked out!

Your Job is to vote for your favorite boy name and/or girl name of the ones we picked. If you have any great suggestions that we haven't listed by all means suggest them!!! THANKS!

Darrius -Upholder of good 

Dathan- Beloved, he gave

Deron- Belongs to God

Dallan- Belongs to people of Dalla

 Glynn- Vale   ...... for sure middle name!!

 Darrius Glynn, Dathan Glynn, Deron Glynn, Dallan Glynn,

Deveigha -Beloved

Daelynn (DAY- LYNN) -Beautiful Day

Durriyah- Brightly shine

Electa- Chosen (possible middle name)

Gwendolyn- Fair Brow, White ring (possible middle name)

Deveigha Electa/ Deveigha Gwendolyn, Daelynn Electa, Durriyah Electa, Durriya Gwendolyn

Sensitive Material

Before you read this post, you need to know that this is a heart wrenching subject and that if you can't handle death, do not read it! I must express my self and will not keep it toned down in this post!

I have done so much praying, pondering, thinking, and planning last night and today. I have read many posts of success stories of women that have had this same thing happen to them. Also many very devistating endings. I am not sure what God intends mine to be but I do know that he has a plan for me and my new little boy soon to come.

All the women I have talked to or read about have all had their waters break very early on in their pregnancies. Some still retain water for one reason or another. Others are like me and don't retain a drop. Some carried so long and worked so hard and got to hold their babies for a few hours before each of those babies slipped away from this world to go back home. Some were still born, died in the whomb before they could make it! The miraculous ones lived with no diformities or major trials in life.

My doctors say there isn't hope but I see so much hope right there!! A few of the mothers talked about how it felt to hold their little one during it's last hours of breath! A few described what it was like to burry their new child. My own mother burried her new baby, but got to spend two whole days with him before he passed. Her water had broken at 20 weeks and she carried him to 32 weeks.

I am not going to get the amnio infusion. It feels wrong. It feels too dangerous. I feel better with a more natural form of fighting. There is too much of a chance for me to get an infection and die or baby to die from infection or lack of oxegyn. I will be hospitalized at 24 weeks though and I will fight until he comes. or she...... I won't know till the child is born because the ultra sounds can't see a thing!

I am very depressed and very discouraged. I am freaking out about my home, husband, and children being taken care of for so much time!!! I will be away from them and I don't know what is going to happen. Breyla has already backfired. She has returned to being a BABY even though she is fully potty trained and about to turn three! I feel like I have failed in every way to become a great mother and to take my family back to the celestial kingdom. I hurt so much and feel like I get more ill after every day. AND the worst part is...... I don't think I will ever be able to have another child again. The likelyhood is so slim in all my research. Almost every woman breaks their water with every child early on after the first time it happens.

I am afraid to pack my hospital bag because what if I can't even make it 24 weeks? Right now my new goal is to focus getting through each week. Then to 24 weeks. Once I get there I hope I can set some more goals!

Options, Options, Options!

 I have a Doctor appointment every week. I'm very High Risk. At every appointment we have an ultra sound. Each one shows the exact same thing. Baby's skull, kidney's, Stomach, Bladder, bones, and that very strong and continuous heart beat. The heart beat fluctuates, from 171 - 161 - to just recently 172. Nothing has changed drastically for the last few weeks. The one thing that is never ever seen is WATER! I asked today what my AFI was.... (amniotic fluid index). She said " HUN you don't have and index!" Oh yeah that is right... MY WATER BROKE! and evidently it won't replenish at all and I am leaking so that makes scenes I guess.

The doctor said the baby doesn't stand much of a chance and that he will have physical ailments and limitations. "Baby's with no fluid in the womb don't survive and if they do.... they will always suffer and have sever problems!" WOW, that makes feel like he is really pushing me to do something about it!!!! Like what, he already knows I have decided NOT to go into induced labor! Then he brings this up "The baby needs water, My Colleague....." AHHHHH there it is..... MY COLLEAGUE. What about your Colleague? You mean the one who conducts experimental procedures on pregnant women in desperation? "You should talk to my Colleague at least about the possibilities of replenishing the water supply" OKAY so stick your needles in me every week (which I have heard hurts like nun other! Then let it leak out as soon as it gets in!! So I finally speak up..."But since I have a tear in my sack won't it just leak out?" "Well, Yes, But some water is better than nothing." Really? I guess that is true but it feels so dangerous.

"I will schedule and consultation apt with your colleague to discuss the possibilities. But what are the risks?" He informs me that the risks are my placenta separating the rest of the way from my uterus, (causing baby to die) and the needles could cause infection (causing me to die!) I added those parentheses, they were my own thoughts! For  dramatic purposes! But they are still true!!!

So tell what do I do? My insurance will cover it. And every week I will be poked with a needle and filled with salene which will leak out.... but some is better than nun right? I AM SO SCARED!!! They keep telling me my baby is going to die. But he hasn't yet!! And they don't understand that either. Please!!! I need help!!

P.S. I will be hospitalized from 24 weeks to whenever baby comes forsure! No leaving.

How It ALL Started

John and I were ready to give it a try, I was having some serious brain troubles and physical aliments with my IUD I had inside of me and we desperately wanted it removed anyway, To give my self a few months rest we practiced the rythm method. But then we were both ready mentally and physically to have our fourth child.

We got it right on our first month of trying! I knew I was pregnant right away and so excited. This time, however, we wanted it to be kept a suprise for as long as possible and we decided to not find out the gender for some extra fun.

Well my first appointment on ultra sound didn't turn out so hot. Doctor was worried because baby's sack wasn't sticking to the uterus like it was supposed to. Also baby looked a bit younger than the first day of my last period. A whole week younger infact. Also  there was some wierd fluid just floating around.
I went in again two weeks later and baby's sack was perfect, and growth wise was good, and the fluid had disapeared. WOOOHOOO! Right?

At 12 weeks after a very physically exhausting day of directing, I almost fainted. My best friend who was with me (thank you Elyssa) was very worried and took me to the hospital which was not very far from the church at all. By the time I got there in just fifteen to twenty minutes, I had bleed through my pants completely and was starting to soak through onto every chair in which I sat. Did I mention I was having very strong contractions. I was like "OH NO!" A miscarriage? The ultrasound said no though. The baby was kicking and swimming about. nodding it's litttle head with a nice strong heart beat. They released me with threatened miscarriage. I asked "So where did all the blood come from?" They didn't even try to figure it out! "We don't know...." Oh well, baby was safe.

Just four weeks later. At 15 and a half weeks my water breaks!!! I had no Idea what was going on at first. I thought maybe my bladder was broken. My fluid was dirty brown and discussting looking. I  started calling my mom and grandmother and others because I was really hurting and really concerned. I am very glad I got a hold of my sister-in-law Jeannette. She urged me to get to the doctor or hospital right away and that my water had broke. She was exactly right and it is a good thing I followed her advice.

I was put on "take it easy" and "check your temperature every four hours watch". There was nothing else to be done. Me being so early on in the pregnancy, they gave me the gravest of news.... "No matter what, this is going to be a miscarriage/"

Pregnant?

I am pregnant and do I ever know it. I'm chubby, pimply, and I never stop having cravings! I am almostalways sick to my stomach (unless I am eating something!) and I am always needing more sleep!! Not to mention my horrible ups and downs that seem to control me.

My body has turned on me and I did nothing but ask for another child! That's not too much to ask is it?

Evidently, it must have been. Because not only am I pregnant but I am on BEDREST! This entire pregnancy has had one scare after the other! I sometimes wonder if this is the last pregnancy I will end up having, allthough my husbamd and I really want just one more after this one.

I have gone through vomiting, pain, cravings, pimples, and the chubb state before but I have never had an experience like this one!! How will I make it through?