Sensitive Material

Before you read this post, you need to know that this is a heart wrenching subject and that if you can't handle death, do not read it! I must express my self and will not keep it toned down in this post!

I have done so much praying, pondering, thinking, and planning last night and today. I have read many posts of success stories of women that have had this same thing happen to them. Also many very devistating endings. I am not sure what God intends mine to be but I do know that he has a plan for me and my new little boy soon to come.

All the women I have talked to or read about have all had their waters break very early on in their pregnancies. Some still retain water for one reason or another. Others are like me and don't retain a drop. Some carried so long and worked so hard and got to hold their babies for a few hours before each of those babies slipped away from this world to go back home. Some were still born, died in the whomb before they could make it! The miraculous ones lived with no diformities or major trials in life.

My doctors say there isn't hope but I see so much hope right there!! A few of the mothers talked about how it felt to hold their little one during it's last hours of breath! A few described what it was like to burry their new child. My own mother burried her new baby, but got to spend two whole days with him before he passed. Her water had broken at 20 weeks and she carried him to 32 weeks.

I am not going to get the amnio infusion. It feels wrong. It feels too dangerous. I feel better with a more natural form of fighting. There is too much of a chance for me to get an infection and die or baby to die from infection or lack of oxegyn. I will be hospitalized at 24 weeks though and I will fight until he comes. or she...... I won't know till the child is born because the ultra sounds can't see a thing!

I am very depressed and very discouraged. I am freaking out about my home, husband, and children being taken care of for so much time!!! I will be away from them and I don't know what is going to happen. Breyla has already backfired. She has returned to being a BABY even though she is fully potty trained and about to turn three! I feel like I have failed in every way to become a great mother and to take my family back to the celestial kingdom. I hurt so much and feel like I get more ill after every day. AND the worst part is...... I don't think I will ever be able to have another child again. The likelyhood is so slim in all my research. Almost every woman breaks their water with every child early on after the first time it happens.

I am afraid to pack my hospital bag because what if I can't even make it 24 weeks? Right now my new goal is to focus getting through each week. Then to 24 weeks. Once I get there I hope I can set some more goals!