20 WEEKS

I had my weekly appointment with doctor today! AND the ultra sound tech of course!

Want to know how it went? GREAT! The ultra sound tech measured a fluid pocket of 2.33 and another of .69 which is a total AFI well over 3.0! Baby was moving a little bit but not much. The kidney’s were full of fluid and so was the bladder, which means they are working properly and making more fluid. Now, I know that an AFI of 3 isn’t great but it is so much more amazing than what we have been getting. AND yesterday I had a small gush (that made me very sad). My belly went from ROUND to THAT BELOW in a instance. I was so depressed but am happy to hear I hadn’t lost it all!!!!

ALSO…. Can you believe it? We got a nice shot of the crotch! Now don’t get too excited the results are shocking, and not 100% positive!  Are you ready for it?

What do you think? Girl or Boy?

(just disregard the words on the picture) (wink)

 20 WEEKS! I MADE IT!!! Next goal 24 WEEKS... here I come!

Breaks My Heart

I want to sob! My husband and I just watched Quigley Down Under. GREAT MOVIE, until she tells the story of how she smothered her baby when the Indians attacked. AHHHHH! My heart nearly broke as tears streamed rapidly down my checks. I couldn't hear it! A sweet innocent baby dying like that! Then the DINGO's came!!! SHE WAS DOING IT AGAIN!! My heart broke into a million pieces! I was sobbing so hard that John thought I was having a heart attack. She did realize what she was doing and let the baby cry but the those stupid dogs kept coming! I was uncontrollable! Tears drenched my shirt and John's shirt and my face was stained and my voice was gone. I lost it big time.

Now I will admit that my biggest and deepest disgusts are helpless infants being harmed. It always kills me. The worst thing, is a helpless baby being treated in such manners! Am I the only woman that really gets urked by this? Am I overly senstitive to these things? I always have been like this. Nothing can ever change it! OH THE BABIES!

For the first time, I think I have realized what I am going to be faced with, in a few months. AND I don't think there is anyway possible for me to come out of losing such an innocent life! Especially if it is my fault, somehow! I have to do everything I can to get my baby here safe!  Why this? I can't do this!

How things are going

Last night I was kept up all night due to this pain in my right side. It hurt to turn or twist or even lay down. I thought for sure that maybe my placenta was abrupting the rest of the way. Don't you love it when it is sooo easy to think the worst in such a simple situation. No blood or contractions though so I am sure baby is safe.

I drank 60 oz of water just between midnight and 6am. I couldn't believe how thirsty I was! That is after I had drank well over a gallon of water through out the day!! I also went to the bathroom every thirty minuets... also keeping me awake!

I guess one bonus of bed rest is being able to sleep whenever you can, anytime you can! I wish I would just stop visualizing all my fears during sleeping hours. I have my weekly appointment this Tuesday. The doctor is going to actually try to do some research... look for GENDER! look for my AFI (amniotic fluid index) and weigh baby... things that are progressive!

No One Can Be Luckier Than....

It is said that some naturally have the LUCK TRAIT. They always win the best things in every drawing. Or close to it. They hit mostly green lights wherever they drive. They always seem to be in the right place at the right time.... etc....

Let us just say that is NOT one of the traits our dear Heavenly Father gave me. In fact I am almost quite the opposite. I have had episode after episode of what most would call just plain bad luck! Hitting every stop light, especially when I am late somewhere. Always leaving something very important back home just when I need it the most. And when have I ever had my name even drawn to win anything?

What is IRONIC, is that the very man I married was deffinately given that LUCKY streak. He has always won the best stuff in every drawing he has ever been entered in. All those games based on luck.... he wins the majority of the time.... the list can go on and on and on.

The VERY BEST part of the whole situation is how often our two traits help eachother out! For instance... We get a flier in the mail saying... YOU WON A NEW CAR! lol well let's just have that date night and go test that car even if we know it is a hoax... right?  (this is about a couple years back). He was the one who opened the letter and I took the key attached to the letter. When we got there John had one a very expensive  IPOD but not the car. I was impressed that we wone something at all. The fact is.... if I weren't in the picture he would have one the car! lol.... but since he was in the picture we still one something where many did not! (we never picked up that Ipod by the way...)

I love that movie... can't remember for the life of me what is was called.... where at every kiss exchanged between the very unlucky woman and the very lucky man.... the luck lands on the new person. At the end of the movie they kiss so much that you don't know who has the luck anymore or who has the bad luck. It just reminds me soooo much of John and I!! Except he never really passed the luck over with a kiss. I have to be with him to reach the benifits. Even if being with me deminishes his chances of even bettering his luck. lol

BUT.... I have to say... I have worked sooooo hard with people, to love them, to help them, to understand them, to never leave anyone out, to WOO them. lol That in this time where my family is gowing through a trial I NEVER believed we would ever go through,,,, there they are, almost every last one of them and more, at my side helping my family along the way. My hard work of surrounding my family around the very best of people has indeed payed off and big time. I have never felt sooooo much love and suporrt in all my life. And I have always been lucky enough to have sooo many care for me.

Thank you EVERYONE for EVERYTHING you have done for us. No One Can be LUCKIER than I! That being said... just being married to JOHN is the best luck a girl can have too! He has got to be the most besotted fellow, the most adoring husband on earth. If this is what stars feel like with their fans than John is my biggest fan. He makes me fly and I like it! I like ALL of it!

Meet Baby!

Rude Awakening

This morning was the most peaceful morning I have had in so long. I woke up early as usual though. I got to spend the entire morning with my husband. It was so peaceful for the first time in five years. We got to cuddle and enjoy the silence. He packed me a basket of bedside items, food, water, computer, and phone. He even made me the most wonderful breakfast of potatoes and eggs with cheese! We prayed and read scriptures together.

Then before he headed off to school I realized that those normal sounds of morning, tiny little feet padding to my bedroom to crawl in bed with me, cries of MAMA and Dad, squeals of delight, and screaming from the girls fighting weren’t going to come at ALL this morning. That ALL my little ones were gone! Somewhere else! My three babies won’t be coming home anytime soon and that today I was going to be all alone.

It was a very depressing and heart wrenching feeling. I even had the temptation to clean my entire house! Because who knows when I will have the chance to do so again! Don’t worry, I restrained myself! Instead, I am coming up with a schedule to accomplish things throughout my day while lying down.

READ, PRAY, write in my JOURNAL, write in my DIARY, write on my BLOG, analyze MY “P” BLESSING, NAP, and PLAY A THE SIMS 3….. That should be good till John gets home….

Nightmares

     Last night I had nightmares! One still really sticks out. There was this woman and I that went shopping. She was pregnant with twins. As soon as we entered the store she went into labor. I knew how to operate in this situation but would not be able to do it all by myself so I shouted for two people that were standing by to call an ambulance and the other to get towels and blankets.
     They just stood there so I ignored them and just assumed they were doing what I asked since this lady was obviously in labor. I delivered the first baby and handed her over to the lady that was supposed to have the towels and blankets but she didn't. I had to deliver the next baby which came right out. They were soooo small. I cleaned off and gave that baby to mommy to deliver the placenta and then realized that something was wrong with the first baby.

     The water sack was still around the baby! I got sooooo panicked and didn't know what to do. So I tore the sack. The baby wasn't ready to come. It was soooo small and fragile. I just sat there with the baby in my arms not knowing what to do. The ambulance never came, the blankets never came. The baby was dying and i didn't know what to do. let alone be qualified for any of this.

     I wanted to cry that no one cared for this woman and her babies. That no one would try to save her or her babies. I woke up shaking. So scared about my baby coming before he is 24 weeks and no one caring because he isn't viable yet.. Just doing nothing to help him. I wish I was surrounded by midwives and Aunts and plenty of experienced women! They all seem so far away.

I know that I might have to go through this soon but I don't think I'm ready yet.

What an Appointment!

Picking out names has been fun and upbeat. But you will never believe what just happened at my "I NEED to see the doctor appointment this morning"

Heart beat was great...... but there was a small WATER SACK near babies head!!!!!! I know it wasn't very big at all and it doesn't even make the baby more viable. BUT it was there and it has NEVER been there before.

I think that bedrest and a gallon of water a day is really going to help! I only just started three days ago and look what has happened in just three days! Oh I hope, hope, hope we can build up some more by my next appointment on Wednesday!! Cross your fingers, give prayers, and don't lose faith!

A Bit Up Beat

I figured since the last few posts have been swamped with concern and worry that this post should be a smidge hopeful.

No matter what happens, It looks like we are at the point that the baby will need a name! Especially if born alive! Since our instincts tell us boy we went ahead and really thought hard about how we should pick a name for the baby. But just in case we are wrong, we thought it would be very good to be prepared with a few girl names too. I like ALL the names we picked out!

Your Job is to vote for your favorite boy name and/or girl name of the ones we picked. If you have any great suggestions that we haven't listed by all means suggest them!!! THANKS!

Darrius -Upholder of good 

Dathan- Beloved, he gave

Deron- Belongs to God

Dallan- Belongs to people of Dalla

 Glynn- Vale   ...... for sure middle name!!

 Darrius Glynn, Dathan Glynn, Deron Glynn, Dallan Glynn,

Deveigha -Beloved

Daelynn (DAY- LYNN) -Beautiful Day

Durriyah- Brightly shine

Electa- Chosen (possible middle name)

Gwendolyn- Fair Brow, White ring (possible middle name)

Deveigha Electa/ Deveigha Gwendolyn, Daelynn Electa, Durriyah Electa, Durriya Gwendolyn

Sensitive Material

Before you read this post, you need to know that this is a heart wrenching subject and that if you can't handle death, do not read it! I must express my self and will not keep it toned down in this post!

I have done so much praying, pondering, thinking, and planning last night and today. I have read many posts of success stories of women that have had this same thing happen to them. Also many very devistating endings. I am not sure what God intends mine to be but I do know that he has a plan for me and my new little boy soon to come.

All the women I have talked to or read about have all had their waters break very early on in their pregnancies. Some still retain water for one reason or another. Others are like me and don't retain a drop. Some carried so long and worked so hard and got to hold their babies for a few hours before each of those babies slipped away from this world to go back home. Some were still born, died in the whomb before they could make it! The miraculous ones lived with no diformities or major trials in life.

My doctors say there isn't hope but I see so much hope right there!! A few of the mothers talked about how it felt to hold their little one during it's last hours of breath! A few described what it was like to burry their new child. My own mother burried her new baby, but got to spend two whole days with him before he passed. Her water had broken at 20 weeks and she carried him to 32 weeks.

I am not going to get the amnio infusion. It feels wrong. It feels too dangerous. I feel better with a more natural form of fighting. There is too much of a chance for me to get an infection and die or baby to die from infection or lack of oxegyn. I will be hospitalized at 24 weeks though and I will fight until he comes. or she...... I won't know till the child is born because the ultra sounds can't see a thing!

I am very depressed and very discouraged. I am freaking out about my home, husband, and children being taken care of for so much time!!! I will be away from them and I don't know what is going to happen. Breyla has already backfired. She has returned to being a BABY even though she is fully potty trained and about to turn three! I feel like I have failed in every way to become a great mother and to take my family back to the celestial kingdom. I hurt so much and feel like I get more ill after every day. AND the worst part is...... I don't think I will ever be able to have another child again. The likelyhood is so slim in all my research. Almost every woman breaks their water with every child early on after the first time it happens.

I am afraid to pack my hospital bag because what if I can't even make it 24 weeks? Right now my new goal is to focus getting through each week. Then to 24 weeks. Once I get there I hope I can set some more goals!

Options, Options, Options!

 I have a Doctor appointment every week. I'm very High Risk. At every appointment we have an ultra sound. Each one shows the exact same thing. Baby's skull, kidney's, Stomach, Bladder, bones, and that very strong and continuous heart beat. The heart beat fluctuates, from 171 - 161 - to just recently 172. Nothing has changed drastically for the last few weeks. The one thing that is never ever seen is WATER! I asked today what my AFI was.... (amniotic fluid index). She said " HUN you don't have and index!" Oh yeah that is right... MY WATER BROKE! and evidently it won't replenish at all and I am leaking so that makes scenes I guess.

The doctor said the baby doesn't stand much of a chance and that he will have physical ailments and limitations. "Baby's with no fluid in the womb don't survive and if they do.... they will always suffer and have sever problems!" WOW, that makes feel like he is really pushing me to do something about it!!!! Like what, he already knows I have decided NOT to go into induced labor! Then he brings this up "The baby needs water, My Colleague....." AHHHHH there it is..... MY COLLEAGUE. What about your Colleague? You mean the one who conducts experimental procedures on pregnant women in desperation? "You should talk to my Colleague at least about the possibilities of replenishing the water supply" OKAY so stick your needles in me every week (which I have heard hurts like nun other! Then let it leak out as soon as it gets in!! So I finally speak up..."But since I have a tear in my sack won't it just leak out?" "Well, Yes, But some water is better than nothing." Really? I guess that is true but it feels so dangerous.

"I will schedule and consultation apt with your colleague to discuss the possibilities. But what are the risks?" He informs me that the risks are my placenta separating the rest of the way from my uterus, (causing baby to die) and the needles could cause infection (causing me to die!) I added those parentheses, they were my own thoughts! For  dramatic purposes! But they are still true!!!

So tell what do I do? My insurance will cover it. And every week I will be poked with a needle and filled with salene which will leak out.... but some is better than nun right? I AM SO SCARED!!! They keep telling me my baby is going to die. But he hasn't yet!! And they don't understand that either. Please!!! I need help!!

P.S. I will be hospitalized from 24 weeks to whenever baby comes forsure! No leaving.

How It ALL Started

John and I were ready to give it a try, I was having some serious brain troubles and physical aliments with my IUD I had inside of me and we desperately wanted it removed anyway, To give my self a few months rest we practiced the rythm method. But then we were both ready mentally and physically to have our fourth child.

We got it right on our first month of trying! I knew I was pregnant right away and so excited. This time, however, we wanted it to be kept a suprise for as long as possible and we decided to not find out the gender for some extra fun.

Well my first appointment on ultra sound didn't turn out so hot. Doctor was worried because baby's sack wasn't sticking to the uterus like it was supposed to. Also baby looked a bit younger than the first day of my last period. A whole week younger infact. Also  there was some wierd fluid just floating around.
I went in again two weeks later and baby's sack was perfect, and growth wise was good, and the fluid had disapeared. WOOOHOOO! Right?

At 12 weeks after a very physically exhausting day of directing, I almost fainted. My best friend who was with me (thank you Elyssa) was very worried and took me to the hospital which was not very far from the church at all. By the time I got there in just fifteen to twenty minutes, I had bleed through my pants completely and was starting to soak through onto every chair in which I sat. Did I mention I was having very strong contractions. I was like "OH NO!" A miscarriage? The ultrasound said no though. The baby was kicking and swimming about. nodding it's litttle head with a nice strong heart beat. They released me with threatened miscarriage. I asked "So where did all the blood come from?" They didn't even try to figure it out! "We don't know...." Oh well, baby was safe.

Just four weeks later. At 15 and a half weeks my water breaks!!! I had no Idea what was going on at first. I thought maybe my bladder was broken. My fluid was dirty brown and discussting looking. I  started calling my mom and grandmother and others because I was really hurting and really concerned. I am very glad I got a hold of my sister-in-law Jeannette. She urged me to get to the doctor or hospital right away and that my water had broke. She was exactly right and it is a good thing I followed her advice.

I was put on "take it easy" and "check your temperature every four hours watch". There was nothing else to be done. Me being so early on in the pregnancy, they gave me the gravest of news.... "No matter what, this is going to be a miscarriage/"

Pregnant?

I am pregnant and do I ever know it. I'm chubby, pimply, and I never stop having cravings! I am almostalways sick to my stomach (unless I am eating something!) and I am always needing more sleep!! Not to mention my horrible ups and downs that seem to control me.

My body has turned on me and I did nothing but ask for another child! That's not too much to ask is it?

Evidently, it must have been. Because not only am I pregnant but I am on BEDREST! This entire pregnancy has had one scare after the other! I sometimes wonder if this is the last pregnancy I will end up having, allthough my husbamd and I really want just one more after this one.

I have gone through vomiting, pain, cravings, pimples, and the chubb state before but I have never had an experience like this one!! How will I make it through?