A Little Lost

I have spent the past few days in my grandmothers care. My husband left for Idaho to see his youngest sister married. I heard it was a beautiful wedding and very enjoyable. I wish I could have taken part of it. But I am glad he at least got to go.

The first day of this adventure was heck! I had been so busy... I went to Walmart to pick up photos (in wheel chair of course), then to my high risk appointment (which was not what I expected it to be), then to eat (which lifted my spirits), then home to pack. My girls and husband got home and I was so happy to see my girls. Then my good friend showed up and brought me some really amazing burritos and I didn't have much of a chance to chat because things were so hectic! I packed the girls bags and everything was loaded into my grandmothers car. So my hubby and his parents and my boy all left for Idaho and the girls and I went to my grandmothers. When we got there we had to unload the vehicle and it was so hard! We had an 83 year old woman, a five year old, a three year old, and me. I felt so over whelmed and carried things and leaked a bunch and things fell apart! I missed my hubby and felt lonely and horrible! And to top it off, I got a call telling me I failed my glucose test and needed to come in immediately to take a round two! I couldn't stop crying for the life of me! My husband almost turned around to come back to be with me even though he was almost in Utah. I told him no and that I would make it.

I couldn't eat after midnight and early the next morning we left to go to the hospital to take round two. Four needles and tubes of blood and one nasty orange sweet drink later... I finished at noon. It was torture! And still haven't found out if I passed or not! That was a hard recovery!

The next day things got better but I had no sleep and I ended up falling down the stairs (I shouldn't have been up but I was so hungry and everyone was asleep! I regret getting up. I was worried sick over baby but never called because I didn't want to make another trip to the hospital! I have been sleepless but taken care of since. I am so grateful for all the care my grandmother has given me and my girls.

I can't wait to get back home with my family! It will be so complete. John has spring break this week and it will be fun to have him all day long every day till I leave. Thursday I must be prepared to be admitted to the hospital till I give birth. The doctor said that the next time i'm admitted i'm staying there for the rest of the pregnancy! I'm very nervous. Time feels nigh.... Like time is running out. I keep wondering if she will make it or not.

Is It so Bad?

Is it so bad that I buy my girls dresses so often? They won't be little forever and there is going to be a day that they won't wear them or even want me to buy them any longer! Why not indulge in their fantasy of being princesses!?

Is it so bad that I hang my clothes facing in the same direction all on matching hangers!? It makes a beautiful closet in my mind! The fact that I fold my clothes a certain way... is that such a crime?

Is it so bad I like to raise my children a certain way, allowing them to do certain things and not do other certain things? That I discipline each of them using different methods that works for each different child such as time outs, lectures, and spankings?

I have heard so many times that I am a perfectionist or OCD or  just plain out making things more difficult for myself.

But this is how I cope with life! I buy clothes and things because I get a kick off having something new! Not very often do I do this but I still do it! I hang the clothes a certain way and fold them a certain way because order calms me and soothes me and I can function much more peacefully with inner beauty (that means a pretty closet). If I don't SPANK my boy, he doesn't get it. If I don't put my girls in time out, they don't get it. My boy thinks time out is a game. My girls think spankings are horrible (and honestly they never know why they get them). Before they get out of time out we discuss the reason of their time out and boy is that every punishment for one of the girls!!! I receive peace in knowing they are less likely to offend if a proper punishment is inflicted! SO LET ME BE!!! I think that on normal circumstances I am a great mom that does things differently than some but it is my way whether it be perfectionist, OCD, or just loonie!

Preparations

Reality is starting to set in again. I'm 26 and 2 days along now. I had thought we lost baby at 11 Weeks 1 day because of bleeding and contracting. I was heartbroken, but it was just a partial placenta abruption. Then at 15 Weeks 1 day my water unexpectedly broke. We went in and heard the most horrible thing a mother could hear at this point in the pregnancy. "no matter what you do, this will be a miscarriage" and "since the baby won't make it, you might as well educe labor within a couple days so you don't get infection that can cause you to leave your other three babies with out a mother".

11 Weeks 1 day later: no infection, fluid levels have finally risen, i'm sill pregnant, and baby looks to be doing perfect. Isn't everyone glad I didn't listen to the doctors week after week about inducing baby. She had a higher chance they could have ever realized!! I hate that they so freely wanted me to kill her without even giving her a chance! I would have never done it though. Not unless I was for sure dying.... And even then it would have been very difficult to decide whether to just go a head and die or live with that decision.

Things have gotten different lately. Signs that time is nigh? Contractions are increasing, I feel odd, Leaking is increasing and doctors are starting to worry about me.

I realize that even still things can turn for the worst and to be honest, i'm not ready to have this baby. I'm not ready to deal with a preemie or a death. Not yet anyway!!! I'm too scared. This is going to happen whether I like it or not.

Giving Up?

The perfect place to explode or unwind when one feels they have no one to really hear them out.

Lately I have forgotten what a dilemma I am in. I have stopped drinking my water, I have gotten up to get myself snacks, to go into rooms of the house that are forbidden to me (because I tend to fix them up) , I have stopped taking my extra vitamin C (with a million other vitamins I took), and I have even slipped a couple times with my prenatal vitamin. In fact, It is almost like I have given up. It is a miracle that I have been sitting down so much still. (sitting instead of laying!!?) 

It all started with my 23 weeks visit to the doctor! My fluid had gone from immeasurable to 8cm in just a weeks time!!! I was still very careful because I knew it wouldn't last. how could it? Then at 24 weeks, they didn't admit me to stay because my fluid went up to 9.1cm. I couldn't believe it was still going up! So I started slacking off.... one thing at a time. My next appointment registered that my fluid went back down to 7cm. I didn't feel I was leaking that much during the week and was surprised!! It is a wonder that this didn't throw me back into routine! So tomorrow I go back in to get my fluid checked. If it has gone below 5, I'm in trouble or baby is. If It has gone up or stayed the same, I'm doing great still.

I feel horrible inside and out. Just icky! Like the day my water broke. I am tired, sore, crampy, have a head ache, and I can barely walk to the bathroom. It is probably my body begging me to go back to my routine of taking care of it.. I have to do it for baby. She can still die!!! I have to realize that just because I have made it 11 weeks when the doctors said I wouldn't, doesn't make me in vincible 

Fat, Fat, Fat!!!

I have always been a thin girl. Maybe too thin most of my life. It is how i'm built. I have acne, spots, frizzy hair, pale skin, scars, short and brittle nails, very poor teeth, and my family pokes fun of me for my nose!!!

But I have learned to deal with all those imperfections because of the few wonderful traits I do have. One of them the ability to stay thin with out trying. And now that has been taken from me as well.

In all three of my pregnancies I gained so little. 12.5 lbs with my first. 27 with my second. 24 with my third. And those pregnancies went to full term! This pregnancy I started at 121 (which is really thin for my height of 5'7"). And now at only 25 Weeks pregnant I am 148. (that is 27lbs)

I don't mean for those that weigh more than that to feel bad because of this: being thin made it okay that I had acne, bad teeth, and the rest of it... At least I had one bonus to my looks, and now I feel as if I am going to double that weight by the time this is over and I will never get it off ever again. I feel so ugly. Fat, pimply, scarred, rashes everywhere, hairy, bad teeth, and a nose that doesn't fit my face. nothing left to feel pretty about. I never knew it meant so much to me until now. I can't stop crying!

Vent over.