Giving Up?

The perfect place to explode or unwind when one feels they have no one to really hear them out.

Lately I have forgotten what a dilemma I am in. I have stopped drinking my water, I have gotten up to get myself snacks, to go into rooms of the house that are forbidden to me (because I tend to fix them up) , I have stopped taking my extra vitamin C (with a million other vitamins I took), and I have even slipped a couple times with my prenatal vitamin. In fact, It is almost like I have given up. It is a miracle that I have been sitting down so much still. (sitting instead of laying!!?) 

It all started with my 23 weeks visit to the doctor! My fluid had gone from immeasurable to 8cm in just a weeks time!!! I was still very careful because I knew it wouldn't last. how could it? Then at 24 weeks, they didn't admit me to stay because my fluid went up to 9.1cm. I couldn't believe it was still going up! So I started slacking off.... one thing at a time. My next appointment registered that my fluid went back down to 7cm. I didn't feel I was leaking that much during the week and was surprised!! It is a wonder that this didn't throw me back into routine! So tomorrow I go back in to get my fluid checked. If it has gone below 5, I'm in trouble or baby is. If It has gone up or stayed the same, I'm doing great still.

I feel horrible inside and out. Just icky! Like the day my water broke. I am tired, sore, crampy, have a head ache, and I can barely walk to the bathroom. It is probably my body begging me to go back to my routine of taking care of it.. I have to do it for baby. She can still die!!! I have to realize that just because I have made it 11 weeks when the doctors said I wouldn't, doesn't make me in vincible 

Fat, Fat, Fat!!!

I have always been a thin girl. Maybe too thin most of my life. It is how i'm built. I have acne, spots, frizzy hair, pale skin, scars, short and brittle nails, very poor teeth, and my family pokes fun of me for my nose!!!

But I have learned to deal with all those imperfections because of the few wonderful traits I do have. One of them the ability to stay thin with out trying. And now that has been taken from me as well.

In all three of my pregnancies I gained so little. 12.5 lbs with my first. 27 with my second. 24 with my third. And those pregnancies went to full term! This pregnancy I started at 121 (which is really thin for my height of 5'7"). And now at only 25 Weeks pregnant I am 148. (that is 27lbs)

I don't mean for those that weigh more than that to feel bad because of this: being thin made it okay that I had acne, bad teeth, and the rest of it... At least I had one bonus to my looks, and now I feel as if I am going to double that weight by the time this is over and I will never get it off ever again. I feel so ugly. Fat, pimply, scarred, rashes everywhere, hairy, bad teeth, and a nose that doesn't fit my face. nothing left to feel pretty about. I never knew it meant so much to me until now. I can't stop crying!

Vent over.